I am (was) the shyest person in the world

I am not willing to fail.

I know I will face difficulties and frustrations, but knowing that lessens the effect when that happens.  I am so used to putting myself out there as the absolute shyest person in the world, I would go after high reaching things I wanted most of all, but would even intimidate the average person.  No matter how absolutely terrified I was, I would just go by myself and do whatever the thing was.  But I eventually realized that as I was horribly frightened in some situations, no one would notice to my surprise.  Rather, people would tell me how they admire me for how I am always so mellow about things.  Mellow???  Me???  Gosh, if only they knew that I could feel myself shaking on the inside.

But all that ended up being good for me as I have built up a capacity for doing things out of my comfort area.  And I have built up a high threshold for dealing with unexpected difficulties that come up. 

Everything that I am now and have become is because I was the extreme opposite of that as I was growing up.  I never forget the moments in those situations when I was at my absolute lowest of lows, and my snapshot memories of the pain that I felt help me make sure that I never get to that low point again.

Some people I have known will have abusive character traits that lead them to near death.  Feeling close to death or at their lowest point, they will have some clarity from the pain and say they will never do those things again.  But then when they return to their past abusive character traits, I know its only because they have forgotten the feeling when they were near death or the pain really was not bad enough for them to make a real change in their life.  That's why to me, I will never forget the intensity of the pains I have felt - and lead myself on to the low points of life ever again.




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