It has been a long time since I posted to my PMJ. I really need to write more. I am especially feeling its important for me RIGHT NOW to re-evaluate my motivations and strategy short term for 2010. I've had a system I have followed all year so far, but I'm not seeing the results I intended so it is time I believe to make some changes.
I'm the kind of person that really needs to have my motivations be deeply personal as my fuel. If my motivations are being honest to myself of what I do actually want most deeply, then I have in the past kept going until I somehow found a way to reach them.
2010 Motivations To Work Hard
- Pay down my credit cards
- Raise money to fix up my apartment building
- Report income thru my LLC to develop credit
- Develop my vintage wardrobe
- Fix up The Lovercraft
- Fix up Mister Nice
- Be a better friend to people I care about
- Feel good about myself
- Develop a new personal passion business to replace Specialty Gamer
- Follow up on my unfinished artwork projects
- Be able to think my parents don't have to worry about me
- Feel that I'm not letting people down
I was very hesitant to speak of this too much until the due diligence was completed and escrow had closed. On November 3, all that happened and I now own this 7-unit apartment building in Las Vegas.
Its a great deal for myself. The essential details are the purchase price is $200,000, seller is carrying back with $27,500 down, at 6.5% interest only for 3 years, plus option to extend for fourth year. Fixup costs are $14,600. Net operating income will be $23,756 w/ 10% vacancy factor. Its a 30%+ cash on cash return based on cash flow after debt service.
Also, I have submitted purchase offers on 3 more residential multi-family properties - also in Las Vegas. Two of them, will net about $10,000 each on a flip strategy. Each will offered at better than 10% capitalization rate to the new purchasers.
Third property that interests me is a foreclosed tri-plex that the listing price was $40,000 - that's for WHOLE building, NOT per unit. (I clarify because if you live on the west coast like I do, I know its hard to comprehend prices like that) Estimated fixup costs are $9,000. Listing agent said rents are $500/unit/month, so based on that net operating income is $9,580 w/ 10% vacancy factor. That's a 19.5% capitalization rate AND if buying with cash means for $49,000 would own fixed up 3-plex free and clear with NO mortgage to cover, NO debt service. However... if my offer is accepted, my strategy for this property is to buy, rehab, get rented out, then resell as a "performing, all ready to go investment property" in 4 months (or so) at $70,000, or a 13.7% capitalization rate.
These properties are a win/win scenario for all parties involved - whether the new buyer is a rehabber, or is looking for a turnkey property with an annual return of well over 10%. I live in Portland, Oregon so I dare anyone to find close to a 10% capitalization rate here. Last check, MLS listing prices on duplexes in Portland, Oregon start at about $100,000 per unit ($200,000 each) so good luck getting that to cashflow.
The three latest properties I submitted offers on, I found myself - by the way. I look thru listings every day and find residential multi-family properties with LIST PRICES of $25,000/unit or less. Are you interested? Of course you are. If you call yourself a real estate investor and $25,000 per unit cashflow properties of 10%+ cash on cash returns doesn't EXCITE you, then let's be honest, you're not a serious investor but just a penny wetter.
I will be flipping residential multi-unit properties at 10%+ capitalization rates just for a short while - until I build up my own cash reserves and credit rating from recorded income. My ultimate strategy is to keep my properties by refinancing after raising the value by rehabbing and renting out. So if YOU are interested in getting a 10%+ return on your money and have either access to cash, or can qualify for traditional financing (mortgage), take advantage of this opportunity by getting in touch with me while I will be reselling. Either SIGN UP for the Decisive Newsletter using the form at the bottom of this page, or contact me by contact details at bottom of right sidebar.
Winning happens to fast choosers.
Slow hesitation is for loosers.
I reach for the strings that won't let go of me
and look for strength to cut the weak ones free
who don't return anything back to me
Its not fair to let the weight of others slow down me
I posted this little bit on FaceBook a week ago. I'm a very passionate person in regards to my help and support of people. Its always a best case scenario when supporting someone is mutually beneficial to all parties, but in general I like to help people if just to offer some emotional support and encouragement because I like seeing people finding their strength to go out and be successful. I really have in my heart supported people starting out that I see in similar situations like myself (applies to anything I'm knowledgable in, not just real estate investing) when they are new. Especially those younger like myself. I follow up with people so see how there are doing and make sure they are still on track - not to guilt people but because I really do care deeply. Many young people I've known had a hard time committing to the work, or gave up before they even started and never made it. It hurts to know that because I truly do care so much about the success of others... but I'm NOT going to do someone's work for them. Young people tend to be flakey (they see a long path to do things later on, but often don't see opportunities when they are in front of them, and often don't have the perspective that a opportunity might not find them again) and generally don't follow thru so I know young people ESPECIALLY need emotional support and encouragement from a like mind.
By my nature, I'm a very giving, loving and supportive person. However, that does NOT mean I will let just anyone take advantage of my good nature. When I reach out to a person, I am the one that chooses to do so. At a point, I've noticed that some people I trusted in the beginning will later on rely on me for time, training or references when they seem to have lost the need to give back in return - and see it as okay to use me for free as a friend, rather than have to go to the courses that I paid for, or take the time to get to know the references and relationships that I built up. PLUS maybe I don't want to give just someone that hasn't proven they can deliver to the references that I built up thru my time and that is not fair on the relationships I've built to refer them "tire kickers". Its like if they put nothing of their own into it, AND there's nothing in it for me, what's the upside?? I'm beyond the flattery of people telling me how motivating I am.
I was going thru some intense realizations today and actually cried for the first time in ten years. I'm actually pretty stoic, I don't even cry over girls or lost friends. (I DID cry over the thought of selling the Lovercraft, but you don't need to know that...) Thing is that I got really upset and a wave of bitterness passed thru me over investor friends I felt that I trusted in the beginning, helped them out with my commitment, when it came to decision time they ultimately did NOT deliver, then after the fact they see me as a very capable person and seems to justify them not paying me back for what I put in to them to help them at a time when they needed help. Well, it is NOT okay to take from me thinking "oh, Brian will be alright".
With the wave of held up anger and resentment inside me (I'm a very peaceful person and hardly ever display my anger outwardly), the thoughts of ultimately uncommited people trying to get favors me really upsets me. For one thing, because as the person I am I would NEVER impose on someone's good nature without feeling I can offer something mutually beneficial. I believe its a real truth that success has no meaning if its handed to you - which is what gives me my passion and work ethic. Really the more you put into the journey is what gives your ultimate success real meaning. I just cannot cannot respect someone who isn't willing to put in the work, and is waiting for a handout.
I went back to Las Vegas in October to visit a property I'm putting under contract. As I was in town anyways, Jason Jones invited me to come along for his October mentoring, so I did.
I was in Las Vegas previously for Jason's September mentoring (see past entry below) and for that I was all business. Coming back, I decided I deserved to enjoy myself a bit for the work that I've done. So I rented a car for the first two days I was there when I was on my own.
The first night, I stayed at the Four Queens on Fremont Street in downtown Las Vegas.
On my first night, I saw an amazing light show on Fremont Street that was a tribute to Queen. See my photos.
I went around with Bruce the property inspector I hired to look at my apartment building. Bruce was nice enough to point some things out to me during the process. Also, I scheduled a meeting with Zeke a contractor to get an estimated bid on the fixup. Both of them were very nice people.
The group during Jason's and Joe's 3-day was half the size as last months. I'm not going to repeat what it was all about. You can read my past Entry if you wish to hear more about the details.
Jason introduced me to Brent, whom I shared a room with to help save on my room costs. Brent sure has a laugh loud enough to rattle my cages, but he's a genuine guy.
After the 3-day was over, Brent and I stayed a couple extra nights to go to that month's Prosper Real Estate Club meeting held by Jason and his wife, Debbie. It was really nice to meet Jason's wife, Debbie and to have dinner with them both.
The tablecloth is so pleased, its smiling!!
Jason, Brent, and myself in the Prosperity Garden.
Prior to going to Las Vegas for the second time, I found a 4-plex on the internet that interested me that I drove by while I had my rental car before the 3-day. Coincidently, that 4-plex would be one of the properties that we would visit on the tour, so naturally that would be a buliding I would submit a LOI on.
I notice that way too many people do a lot of heavy pre-analysis before a decision, and the problem with that is often times a decision never ends up getting made, or by the time they decide the opportunity has passed and it is too late. My opinion from seeing what people do when it comes to the final moment is that people who make excuses to delay making the ultimate decision (no matter WHAT the excuse is, I don't care) I don't believe that they truly want to make to the decision or to be successful.
Myself, if I have what I feel is a good reference of experience in the matter, then I will trust my instincts and make quick decisions when the opportunity is there. Then generally I have some post-analysis after making the decision to see if the decision I made does in fact make sense as the way that I thought. Not EVERY decision I've made in my life has turned out how I thought it to be, but I can honestly say that more often than not, my decisions tend to be correct and how I visioned them more often than not and I have had the advantage of being able to see an opportunity and decide so much quicker before most other people can. Just as important as making big decisions is having the confidence to stand up for the decision that YOU made, to take resposibilty even if things don't turn out like anticipated and NOT to make excuses.
I've known too many people that always make excuses and place responsibilty on everyone/everything else when things don't work out. I believe that kind of behaviour really sets a limit to how successful they could be. Personally, I don't like having that kind of energy in my life, so I will distance myself when I see someone is a henpeck pussyfoot (someone strongly critical of others, but fearful to do anything themself.).
This is my personal decision maker.
I found this in a thrift store back in... oh it had to be over 10 years ago. But I keep this thing (that looks like a mini mountain carving to me) right next to my desk on a shelf that sits at eye level where I can see it regularly just to remind myself that I am a decision maker.
If you do not already have a copy of Napoleon Hill's classic book, Think and Grow Rich, then you really do owe it to yourself to get yourself a copy. Great book, and obvious must read for anyone interested in maintaining a attitude of financial success. Many things I've picked up and noted in the book I do actually practice myself and try to reinforce thru the Personal Motivation Journal that I keep.
Vic Johnson is offering the original unabridged version of Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich from 1937 for free. This is how I got my copy of the book and seems not everyone knows that you can get a free paperback copy of Think and Grow Rich for just the cost of shipping at $4.59. The book is available at any respectable bookstore such as Borders or Powells starting at about $10, but you may want to note that MOST published editions I have seen have been revised by someone else after the author, Napoleon Hill has died - if that is important to you, which it is to me.
Vic Johnson himself is a motivational personality. My suggestion is just take advantage of the book from him for free, then after it arrives if you don't care to hear from the other motivational product upsells by Vic, just unsubscribe from the email list like I did.
I am back from the Property Tour & Analysis in Las Vegas hosted by Jason Jones and Joe Varnadore. Jason Jones is a real estate investor and instructor based out of Las Vegas, whose wife Debbie runs Prosper Investments, a real estate investment club with meetings in Las Vegas and Los Angeles. Joe Varnadore is a real estate investor and instructor based out of South Florida.
I had an excellent time. I felt like I was on Gilligan's Island, (in a good way) as the small mix of people (14?) was very eclectic yet everyone was very friendly and we all connected very well. This trip was different than other business trips/trainings I've been to. Jason and Joe requested that we all stay at the same hotel, which ended up working out very well as many of us met up together to visit and hang out on our own.
On the morning of the first day, I spent some time to get my self psyched up and make sure my energy was right. If anyone was staying next door, they might wondering why all the hollering and crazy noises.
Each morning started out with the group meeting at the breakfast buffet each morning to bond and discuss the day ahead with each other. Being a casino buffet, the food was of course very excellent.
The mini potato pancakes were very cute!
Other trainings and events tend to be in large hotel conference rooms where I may find a connection to a handful of other participants, I may or may not have a chance to talk privately with the speakers or staff members there. With this, everyone was on the same level with Jason and Joe. With three days and such a small group, we all had time to connect privately with Jason and Joe, and also with each other. And unlike other trainings, where you are given a workbook of some kind and then ultimately have to go out and take steps on your own - with this, the event is designed around submitting offers there with Jason and Joe, so each of us would get that experience right away.
Having been to so many other trainings and reading and going thru so many courses over the last year and a half, I very much appreciated that very little time was taken out to refresh over the fundamentals of real estate investing. More or less, we would go straight into things presuming that we did at least know the basics. A couple of the attendents I knew was their first time going to any kind of real estate event of any kind, so I hope that they did not take the time at this event for granted thinking that every real estate training course is just like this - because other classes are not like this. I believe the downside of having this be your first real estate training taken, a person could take the content for granted not realizing how great of an opportunity this was from not having the perspective of taking many other classes, some which would ultimately turn out to be disappointing and/or with no direct results to show from them.
The event consisted of three days. On the first day, Jason and Joe took us all in a van to drive by various properties listed - mostly multifamily - that looked attractive to make offers on. The second day, we would meet at a meeting room in a restaurant to analyse each property and see what numbers would work to submit an offer on. The third day, we'd go back to the meeting room and decide which of us would want to make an offer on which property. Jason and Joe also provided an LOI template for us to edit and write up the LOI ourselves to submit right away. One of the attendents, Eric Lynn happened to be a broker in Las Vegas, so lucky for us (and him) that we were able to use him as our buyer's agent to submit the offers on our behalf.
On the last day, each of us would find a property to submit an offer on. Each of us had different resources. For those of us with access to some capital, we would be able to submit offers with the intent to buy for ourselves. For those of us with little or no access to capital, Jason and Joe have a transactional funding program we can use in order get the short term funds needed to get a REO or distressed property priced at wholesale under contract in order to flip or assign to a new buyer. Some of the attendents would partner to combine their resources. It was nice that no matter what your situation was, everyone would have a property to submit and offer on and a way to get started - as anyone who's getting started in real estate investing and has gotten past the first step of getting out there and making the calls, the most common barrier for most new investors trying to complete their first deal done is access to capital.
On the evening of the third day happened to be when Jason's REIC had a meeting, so I planned to stay an extra night and fly back the night after to go to the meeting.
The meetings were held in a non-denominational church and wellness center, which to me is VERY cool because I am a very inspired type person. Going to the meeting really made me feel like I got to know Jason and Joe a lot more seeing them in their setting.
Anyone I've talked to about real estate investing, also knows about Jason. As I was telling my investor friends about the trip, they would say, "oh yeah, I remember you telling me about Jason". And if you read my entry before the trip, you would see this trip meant a lot to me.
Ultimately, I would submit LOI's on two properties with no partners and the intention to hold. From there, I will see if things work out. As much as I'd like to say this is the best business trip I've been on, well... if anything in Las Vegas closes then I will say that. When it comes to business, I no longer go on trips just to feel good or for the learning experience. If what I am going to is not going to directly result in submitting offers, I'm at the point that I really know enough and I'm really not interested in that.
I will say that on a personal note - this trip was special to me and was very fulfilling to me personally and in my growth in business and emotional self esteem. I think that being in Las Vegas definately made the trip more interesting with some things on the side that might not have happened if the location was just any other regular city. So many things happening on the side, not related to real estate, that I found to be very interesting and funny for being on a business trip. It really was like being on Gilligan's Island, it was a 3 day tour. I'd say Joe was the Skipper.
If someone is interested in just learning the fundamentals of commercial real estate, but doesn't feel ready to step out in the field and make calls, then they should take the Institute of Commercial Real Estate class or Introduction to Commercial Investment Real Estate Analysis thru CCIM. If someone is ready and hungry to get out there and submit commercial offers, then they should definately sign up to go to Jason and Joe's next 3-day commercial property tour.
PS~ See some more Las Vegas picks on my FaceBook page (and why not add me as a friend while you're there!)
PPS~ I have heard friends tell me of their interest in this program after reading my entry. Should you like more information on the next Las Vegas Property Tour that Jason and Joe do, you are welcome to contact me and I will forward you Jason's and Joe's contact info to talk to them for further details. firstname.lastname@example.org / 971-222-8326
I will have submitted at least 3 more offers on commercial deals by the end of this year, December 31, 2009.
[September 30, 2009 Update: Well, I've met my goal... which to be honest was on the underachieving side. One of the three offers was even accepted and currently under contract. I've submitted 7 offers/contracts this year if I recall correctly. Let's see if we can make it 5 more offers submitted by the end of 2009. If I haven't submitted AT LEAST TEN commercial offers in total by the end of this year, then the honest truth is that I'm not looking hard enough.]
I need to brace myself
and erase myself of past heartache
as memories like mine can be hard to take
but when I face my fears and kill them
I'm embracing my tears, fulfilling them.
I go to Las Vegas next weekend to see Jason Jones and get involved with his program to partner with him (using his transactional funding program) and submit offers. Going to see Jason and being a part of his program in Las Vegas is a significant deal to me in my growth and progress as a real estate investor, somewhat emotionally I have to admit because Jason was one of my instructors at the first ever commercial real estate training that I went to last year thru Institute of Commercial Real Estate. I felt a true affinity for Jason at that class. He, as well as Summer and Eddie, I felt were so helpful to me that I felt obligated to write them all thank you notes - which I don't always do, but I truly felt embarrassed for being so very new to things and yet also VERY appreciative of their time with me to help me understand.
Since that first training, I did see Jason a second time at another training, and we did keep in touch where we would call or email at times on things. I feel that Jason has been the most supportive of me and the best friend among the instructors I've met. Basically not even taking Jason for granted as an instructor, what I mean is that I feel that we can speak to each other on the same level. Many speakers and instructors I meet are equally nice people, but talking with some person to person, I still feel like they are on their invisible pedestal. (Hey, did you just repeat your slogans you said on stage to me in our private conversation??)
For me, I see this as bringing my growth and progress in commercial real estate investing full circle. Jason is one of few people to see me when I was a bit more closed and knew basically nothing - to now, where I know a lot and am comfortable and determined enough to basically do what it takes to get things done, and now the opportunity to see him again and partner with him now that I know what I'm doing.
This is the only event I have scheduled for the time being, so I'm not looking past this to rely on anything after this - which can be easy to do, when sometimes I have things scheduled consecutively.
With all the inspiration I've been feeling lately, as well as being able to cross off many of the "back of my heart" aspirations I've wanted to complete for years (but only recently found the nerve to follow thru), I decided to add to my list of life goals.
I do kind of dislike the term "goals". Although I know what I mean, I prefer to think of them as more like life "reasons" as I do not consider any of these things I'm going to do as unrealistic for someone in my situation - or lofty things to shoot for. ALL of these things will get done, (many being organized in the background) and living my life is the reason for doing so.
- Take voice lessons - speaking AND singing
- Learn to read/write music compositions
- Sing honky tonk or soul at my own concert
- Write a non-fiction book on inspiration/success
- Open a fully subsidized non-profit community center/shelter for those under 21 - with 2 floors, movie theatre, stage for bands, speakers, repertory arts, free/low cost rooms for street kids, clean, place that feels "cool" (not dirty and poor) and their own that aren't old enough to go to bars and don't wanna go to the mall
- Republish all my old released artwork/books in enhanced versions
- Gather one of each postcards from my old poetry mailing list to package together and republish in nice keepsake package
- Make/Get custom holster for Combtastic Returns
- Have large personal library of books on all subjects that I wish, cataloged and easy to find the book I wish to read
- Be at the point where my businesses run themselves - or at least so they don't take direct input from me to make EVERY single decision, like it is mostly right now
- Develop investment program tailored for people of my generation/mindset - 20s/30s/40s types that tend not to settle, value lifestyle flexibilty, feel neglected by the mainstream, I believe I'm in unique situation that I can connect with them in a way that grey haired suits do not
- Have a full featured personal art/craft studio with every tool, material to create whatever I like myself
- Be able to open up my mom so she's outgoing again like she used to be
- Own my own house to live in with no mortgage, bought at wholesale using creative real estate strategies I have learned
- Have the confidence to show that I am genuinely friendly/interested in any new person I meet in any situation
- Be able to dynamically organize presentations on any subject matter I wish that will electrify and influence all attendents who watch
When perfect timing is not in sight
Then I will decide to make it right
Patience may be a virtue, but not for those who wait
Dignity means nothing for those too late
I can't let time make decisions for me
Power is held with responsibility
I don't just expect results. I decide on the results I seek and prepare for them.
I had a great idea while I was trying to sleep tonight. (with the heatwave in Portland, I can't sleep anyways) This is something that I'm sure I could organise with the local connections I have and the material that I'm working on.
When I was younger, I really wanted to be a performance artist - and I somewhat have forgotten about that. I enjoyed speaking, talking and interacting with people. I only did a handful of my own events, but they were great and the last performance that I did was the happiest day of my life at that point - I had finally reached the major social goal I had set for myself. (my goals in life tend to be social) Its strange to think that the last performance/event I did was just over eight years ago. And I DO know the reason why I never went out to do it again since then. That last one was so great, and the turnout was so much better than I expected of so many of my good friends, that you could say I was too satisfied with that. I wanted to end on a high note as I didn't feel I could top that.
Between that time and now, I have gone thru some extended periods where I had no thoughts to do any artwork. And where I am at now, I feel things have changed and the momentum I feel confident is coming back all the way around again.
To talk/perform in front of people is the one thing that has given me the most personal satisfaction in my life. So why did I give it up? I can do it again! And with all that I know that I didn't know back then, I an make it way better than I ever could have done.
I have the outline for it sketched in my mind. I basically know what it will be called. (I actually just registered the domain name Sweetheart Dinner Theatre!!) I know what kind of place I want it to be at. I know what kind of people that will look to go to it. I know what kind of entertainment I will have at it. I know how I am going to promote and market it. This thought of mine is something I would like to set later on - as something for the year. I'm not going to limit myself, by thinking this is an event for the day, the week, or even the month.
Yes, its a perfect idea and just another source of motivation for my financial success. As much as I'd love to think about organising it now, other things I'm doing now come first. But this will give me a reason to look forward to - as another goal sometime in the definate year - to prepare myself for reaching my major accomplishment.
The only thing that has slowed me down is believing in someone that is not as determined as I am.
I will not listen to people that complain, make excuses and don't take responsibility.
This is written for a couple people in mind (don't ask me for names) who are all talk and no action, I call them a henpeck pussyfoot - which I find to be the one thing most that is the QUICKEST way for me to lose all respect for a person.
Henpeck Pussyfoot. - 2002?
A pussyfoot cannot correct
those it has henpecked.
A simple product of its own neglect
with a reality that's only reflection.
The outer world is just introspection.
Sometimes a solitary need for connection
leads to impatience for imperfection
so problems are a constant subject
that keep being doublechecked.
"The less I see, the more I suspect
I just want to be held in high respect!"
Although you keep your motives indirect
I know the thoughts you choose not to select.
You just want to be thoughtful and protective
but the things you say are ineffective.
My life in the past month or couple has really been building up. So many aspects of my life are progressing towards the best I feel I can do or get - financially, emotionally, personally, socially.
Normally to think about the closeness of reaching something I've been desiring very much - especially if its for a period of time - can create intense pressure and stress. And I have definately felt the bite of stress right before a major decision, a stress that has been so much that I don't even make a decision. What has been different this time about in the month or so, is that I've actively been building the aspects of my life that are seeing such dramatic improvement. I feel I have some control over my life and feel responsible for what happens, so I don't have as much stress over a possibility of uncontrollable circumnstances.
In how I have been building up my life, I don't think about it. I work on myself like I am preparing myself. I don't think too hard on the possibility of outcomes, as to me that is expecting - a conscious action. In preparing myself for success, its more a subconscious action that I feel brings about my eventual results naturally.
Regarding all the aspects of my life that I have been working on and improving - I see that as diversifying my pressures. In the past, I have thought that the thought of working on too many things at once would be overwhelming and that I need to focus on just one particular thing - and yes that is true... to a point. I focus on generally a most important activity for each side of my life, BUT I think about every side of my life. The reason being that as I work on one thing, I will have stress and pressures... and those stresses can spill over and be relieved by, ah... working on another part of my life as an outlet for the other. In this way, if one aspect of my life does not work out as I intended, then I have other things to feel good about so I can quickly recover, get up and try again.
I am an self employed entrepreneur and I work from home, which means I can and do work at any time I want - and also when I don't want. The "self" part of being an entrepreneur means I have to have some discipline to stay working and stay motivated. Its easy to say that I'm going to do this and/or that everyday, but its another thing to necessarily be able to keep doing that everyday with consistency.
My main goal for this year has been consistency. I don't strive to do everything every day - yes it would be nice, but I need to keep my expectations realistic.
One thing about working at home, telecommuting and making calls on the phone - is it really doesn't matter what I look like or what I'm wearing. I can be talking business, and sometimes I might even be sitting in bed and still in my pajamas! Is it an American ideal to work and be wearing what you want? Well yes... maybe. For me though, I told myself a couple weeks ago, "I am going to get dressed every day this week" and I did. For that week, I was prepared in my mind and I was very productive that week getting lots of work done as well as long chores put off around the house. So since then I've decided I'm going to keep getting up and getting dressed everyday - which I have done even past the week I told myself I was going to do that.
Now I could get clean and dressed up just so I stay clean, and so I won't be embarrassed in case someone comes to the door, or so I will have established routine - and those may very well be good enough reasons for most people, but my own personal reason is different actually. If you've ever met me, you might have quickly got the impression that I am a very dressy and self styled guy. Yes, my favorite thing to do is get dressed and comb my hair. To me, wearing nice clothes and having my hair done right is what truly makes me happy and I feels gives me my dignity. Combing my hair is the essense of me (if you've ever met me, I think you'd just understand) and makes me feel more comfortable about being myself, even if there's no one likely to see me for the day.
Dressing up and looking nice is such a big deal to me, I even consider it a reward. The backwards thinking I used to have was that, "okay, I'm not going to dress nice or comb my hair until I get some work done because I don't deserve it". Well, that attitude did NOT work for me as not only was I unable to get too much work done, but I looked skuzzy and didn't feel very good about myself. Lose/lose. Now, I reward myself everyday in the beginning of the day - then pay myself back with getting things done during the day.
I feel that I'm pretty open about myself with people. Besides this, I have like 3 other journals on my other websites basically that I use to express what I'm thinking and feeling. And really, having journals has been an excellent outlet for me.
But lately, I've had feelings I think are too personal to publish online for the world to see. I know that's not wierd - we all tend to have a private side we don't like to have the whole entire world know about. For some people that private side may be bigger or smaller than others.
So with that I have started my own personal journal of my feelings that will never ever be seen on the internet. I guess I didn't really have that big of a private side that I was unwilling to share publicly. As I said, I think I'm pretty open and honest with myself and anyone who wants to ask me.
If I have something on my mind, I'm going to write it down, get it out thru my artwork, or talk about it with somebody. I don't really internalize too much anymore.
How does it feel to realise I have more of a private side I want to keep for myself? Well as long as I can get thru my feelings, I guess I am okay with it. Thing is that on a personal note - I've been really doing a lot of work on my heart, my soul, my self. And with my personal and social growth, I get some feelings I'm not sure about and maybe its just a sign of working out my feelings.
If I'm always sincere then I have nothing to fear